A couple of weeks ago, I ran across a Facebook group post from a parent who expressed anxiety about how growing up as third culture kids might impact their children long-term.
Where will they go to university? What kinds of jobs will be available to them as non-EU permanent residents? Is it better to go to university in the U.S. for job prospects?
I’ve been circling these same questions lately, especially as my oldest inches closer to high school.
And then a few days ago, I saw a post from a Facebook friend whose son moved to Spain as a preteen, went to post-secondary school in Ireland, and is now returning to the U.S. for a great job as a young adult.
One is a fear. The other is a reality.
As I watch parents a few years ahead of me launch their children, I’m realizing that no matter where mine finish growing up, I have little control over what their lives will look like in a few years. After all, if my mom had had her way, I would’ve lived down the street from her in my Kentucky hometown.
Instead, as most kids do, I carved my own path, finally landing two hours away in the suburbs of Nashville.
During the early days of our move to Spain, our son—the oldest, and the one with the strongest memories of life in the U.S.—spoke often about returning as soon as he graduated high school. He wanted to go back to his friends, familiar foods, and the scenery he’d grown up with.
Over time, he stopped talking about it as much. Conversations have turned to university options and where he might complete his education.
To my surprise, he’s beginning to consider Europe instead of the U.S.
This is the shift I’d been waiting for, because the selfish part of me—the part most like my mom—wants him to choose Europe, if not Spain.
Because I don’t want to move back to the U.S. If my son chooses Europe, I get two things:
My son is close enough to visit often.
Our decision to relocate our family abroad becomes the “right” decision.
Will and I wanted to expand our own world, and as parents, we wanted to expand our kids’ world, too. But like any parents, we want to be near our kids as they start their adult lives, find spouses or partners, and maybe someday have children of their own. We want to be part of their lives.
And if we don’t plan to move back to the States and our kids do move back, that dream sort of … falls apart.
It’s the same thing my mom had to accept when I chose to live in Middle Tennessee instead of near my Kentucky hometown, but instead of an interstate, we’re dealing with an ocean. The kicker here, though, is that it was Will and I who showed them what was possible—that moving half a world away is not only doable but often fun.
We might have set ourselves up for our own grief and heartbreak somewhere down the line.
Will and I showed our kids the world, offered them the ability to navigate a new country, new language, and a new school all at once. We showed them how to leave a whole life behind in favor of starting a new one.
If our son returns to the U.S. to begin adulthood, what does it say about us as parents? That Spain was merely our adventure and not his? That he never felt the connection we wanted him to feel to this new country or, more broadly, Europe? That the safety and reduced anxiety we chased for our family was for naught?
I’ve always wanted to raise well-rounded kids who feel “worldly,” but if my son returns to the U.S., I’ll always wonder if we accomplished that goal.
Now, as we enter the teen years, we’ll have to come to terms with what we’ve taught them may be what leads them to live lives far away from ours.
I write here about building a life abroad—slowly, imperfectly, and with a lot of trial and error.
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If you’d like to reach out directly, you can find me at jen@jeninspain.com.
More on raising third culture kids:
If he chooses to go back I don't think that makes your decision to move here 'wrong'. It just may be what is right for him in that moment. And that may change over time too maybe he'll return to Europe at some point, quien sabe no?
As the kid in this equation, I resented not having a choice when I was relocated. But I’ve leaned into the fact that my life has been richer for all the things I’ve been exposed to. And that, in my heart, I’ll never have to choose, only to be present to both cultures as I spend time in them. (I long ago worked it all through with my parents.)